With a happily married only daughter in her mid thirties, working as a successful businesswoman - with no children - we were not expecting to be grandparents. So the news that she and her husband were considering adopting came as a pleasant surprise.
Almost overnight, it seemed, we had two lovely blond grandsons, brothers of four and two. These two tiny little people immediately gave us a new view on life; suddenly Spider Man, Buzz Lightyear and Bob the Builder became part of our vocabulary we were regularly greeted by 'to infinity and beyond!? but had no idea what it meant! The mysteries of children's television, videos, books, games, food choices, tantrums, likes and dislikes became part of our daily routine well, almost. And we now had new names Yamma and Grandad!
An immediate bond was formed between us and we became part of their new world, in what they began to call 'their real home?. We were included in their games and fantasies, bossed about, cuddled and hugged and completely accepted.
Adoption is not an easy undertaking you need endless patience, nerves of steel, belief in yourselves and what you are doing, plus an ability to accept disappointment after disappointment. You also need to be prepared to answer endless questions about the most intimate and personal aspects of your lives. You're subjected to an endless stream of experts who are there to vet and judge you, and decide whether you are, in fact, suitable adoptive parents.
Your backgrounds are laid bare and your parents and family life scrutinised. Obviously, this is all of the utmost importance, considering the role you are hoping to fulfil, and is essential to the future of the children involved. But this scrutiny is hard, can be upsetting, and really does make you consider long and hard whether you want to go on with the process.
Adoption doesn't just involve you it also involves your family. Whether you tell them at the outset, or decide to wait until it is settled, someone is bound to be upset, or disapprove. When the process is complete, and you have your children, you may still encounter disapproval and uncertainty; sadly, adoption still does not have the wholehearted support it deserves.
Thoughtless remarks and intrusive questions can cause many an unhappy moment, and the same applies to being an Adoptive Grandparent. We've had the thoughtless questions from 'well wishers', such as 'do you feel the same about the boys as you would if they were your own flesh and blood?? and we can only reply, ?Well, what do you think? Of course we do! Do you feel any different about your spouse or son or daughter in law, even though they aren't flesh and blood?? As is obvious, even ones 'own' child is only 50% of any person's flesh and blood ' Other ignorant questions can be 'How do you know what they will turn out like??, and we can only respond that no parent or grandparent knows how their children or grandchildren will develop.
These types of careless questions can be terribly frustrating, but they pale into insignificance when we remember that we are grandparents, with a new family to love and care for; we have a daughter and son in law who were brave and strong enough to embark on this endless adventure, and we count ourselves incredibly lucky to be going on the journey with them.
The process of 'selecting? a child, or children, was the part of the adoption chain that we, as grandparents, found the most heart searching. The two little brothers who were chosen have proved to be the most wonderful addition to our lives. From their first meeting it had seemed that it was meant to be. Despite all the sadness and traumas the boys had experienced in their young lives, they were bright and happy, fiercely protective of each other and very affectionate.
But the process of choosing a new family is strewn with pitfalls and heartache. The disturbing reality of the backgrounds of some of the children available for adoption presents the would-be parents with the stark reality of just what these little people have been through. Every child comes with 'baggage' some have suffered at the hands of their natural parents, some have never had a real home but all need love and security. And the process to match the children with the right parents certainly seems to work.
We live in South Africa, so we would be 'faraway grandparents', although Grandad worked in the Republic of Georgia and travelled between there, the UK, and RSA each month. The boys thus made regular trips to and from Heathrow airport to meet him, and he quickly became an important presence in their lives. And I found myself travelling back and forwards from South Africa very frequently, to help out our daughter.
There is an acceptance period between the children moving in with their new family and the actual adoption. During this time, even more vetting and checking takes place social services workers visit the home regularly, to see if the children have settled in, and to finally give their approval. In our case, the poor quality of this part of the adoption process left us with grave doubts about the validity of the process.
And as if things weren't hectic enough, during this acceptance period our daughter became pregnant something that had been thought to be highly unlikely! This could have delayed or even cancelled the adoption, as one of the rules is that you 'don't become pregnant?. However, nature thought otherwise At the same time, my own father died without meeting the boys, or even knowing that she was pregnant. This was probably the hardest time during the whole adoption process, and it was an amazing relief when the court decided that the adoption could be completed.
Our daughter's pregnancy and new adoptive motherhood progressed well, but she and her husband still had to tell the boys about the baby. Luckily, some children in their classes at school had babies on the way, and our new grandsons kept asking for a baby, so the groundwork was in place. On a visit to us in South Africa the boys were told and they were delighted. Another important hurdle had been successfully crossed.
When their baby sister was born, the boys were ecstatic- except they wouldn't accept that it was a little girl to them it was 'their baby?!
And so, within the space of just 11 months, we had three gorgeous grandchildren.
What more can we tell you' Our lives have changed forever ' for the better. We discovered within ourselves a capacity for love and caring that just grows and grows as we get to know our new family. Sadly, the boys had some unhappy experiences at school, involving bullying resulting in a broken arm but this led to a new school, at which their mother became a Governor, and they are very happy there. At that tricky point we knew, beyond any doubt, just how much these little people meant to us. Our protective instincts came to the fore and we would have battled with anyone.
Our granddaughter is so lucky she has two brothers who absolutely adore her and she, in turn, loves them to bits. With their three individual characters and abilities they have a wide range of interests, yet still enjoy playing and working together.
We see a good deal of them (although never as much as we would like!), and we have a new lease on life; trips to Africa and visits to the UK are a vital part of the family diary. Our son in law has a sister in Switzerland with a young daughter, so the children have a cousin they can share visits with and they have a wonderful time together. Our daughter and her husband have many friends dotted around the UK, Ireland, France and elsewhere, and they are forever meeting up, so the kids have a thriving social life.
Their home is a happy place; it's a very noisy and sometimes very untidy home, but is a place you want to be fun, and full of love and hope. Most of all, it feels like a real home, with something always happening; lashings of lovely home cooking, piles of washing and ironing, books and paintings everywhere, and always fresh flowers.
The garden is full of plants and herbs and vegetables toys lay everywhere, squirrels and birds dart in and out for tit bits, and the occasional hedgehog comes for tea. The family cat often retreats to the corner of the lounge to observe the antics of the children, and usually to hide! Friends phone up, call round, children come to play and neighbours are part of the family.
It's not difficult being adoptive grandparents loving children is so easy. We find it great fun, and the children love unconditionally. Even when you have just yelled at them for doing something, refused to let them eat yet another yoghurt, or to read their favourite story for the sixth time that day, they still want their hugs and to tell us all about their day. After all, we're their grandparents, and to them we're special.
We feel they see us as a constant factor in their lives, who'll always love them, no matter what. And even when we're 'really old?, and they know one day we'll not be around anymore, they will still know that they were loved just for being themselves. Hopefully this will be a very happy memory for them that bright star up in the sky that they can talk to when they remember us.
Finally, when we picked up the phone one day, and had three children singing at the tops of their voices ?Knicker bocker, knicker bocker, number 9?, then we knew we'd been adopted too!
We'd love to hear from other grandparents or family members who would like to share their adoption experiences. Just email us at sue@pleasemiss.co.uk.
Early Learning Sheets
