Adoptive Parents  - in at the deep end

Top tips to settle your new child into school

Should you tell anyone else?

Suddenly, you have a child.  A person with needs, expectations and their own special history.  And they need to start school.

There is a lot of support around for coping with the emotional aspects of adoption, but little, in our experience, of a practical nature. 

Although you will probably have had some notice to make arrangements for your child to attend school, you're making a start somewhere along the child-rearing learning curve.  Other parents make gradual progress through the creche, nursery, primary school - learning at a manageable pace and building up received wisdom from friends at the school gate. 

But adoption delivers an instant family and you need to be able to jump on board and keep afloat.

All this on top of the year or two of excited yet anxious waiting for your new family.  And now they are here and you are on your own - well, not quite.  You'll soon find there are many people willing and happy to help and share their experiences

Top tips for settling the children ' and you ' into the school routine:

• If you can, take as much time off work as you can afford - doing the school runs and being at the school twice a day gets you involved and up to speed - apart from making your kids happy. 
• If your child has never been to school or nursery before, you may be able to have a couple of introductory sessions with the new class beforehand.  If they are joining mid-term, a gradual introduction may help.
• Get to know the teacher - he/she is always your first contact if you have any questions or issues.  Ask for an appointment to brief them about your child's situation it's usually best that they know your child is adopted so they can understand their needs fully.  They don't need to know everything just those details you feel are relevant.  And it may avoid any unnecessary upset when your child is asked to bring in baby photos for a class project. 
• Find out about the homework policy and ask for clarification if necessary it's not always obvious what needs to be done and when it's due.  And your children won't always come home with clear instructions.
• Ask for a list of the other children in the class very useful for party invitations, tea invitations and getting to know the other parents. 
• As with many children, adoptive children can experience learning difficulties. These may not have been identified due to their circumstances before coming to you.  Keep a close eye on their development and trust your instincts you will know your child best.  If you think they are struggling on some area, talk to the teacher.  Depending on the area of difficulty, the school can arrange tests or ask for a meeting with the educational psychologist.
• If the problem is medical, for example hearing, sight or speech, then a trip to the GP will get you a referral to a specialist.  Try and get this done as soon as possible, as a hearing problem may lead to speech and reading difficulties.  You will find that the health professionals are particularly supportive of adoptive parents and will do all they can to help, but still push for further investigation if you feel more needs to be done 
• Get to know the head teacher - most of them operate an 'open door' policy where parents can pop in and ask questions. 
• Take time to establish a network of new friends - the first ones you meet may not be the ones that last.  Don't be afraid to approach parents and talk most of them will be very receptive.  And never feel silly asking questions there's so much to learn so make it easy on yourself. 
• Involve the new grandparents.  They will be as excited as you about getting to know their grandchildren and older people are usually less reserved about talking to people and asking questions.
• Try and set up car sharing, if you can't walk to school.  This is a great way to form friendships and get information. 
• Join the school association or consider becoming a parent governor.  All you need is enthusiasm and time.  
• Offer to help in the classroom - most primary schools are desperate for help with reading or assisting in general.  You'll get to know the school system and teachers very quickly and it's fun! 

Should you tell other parents and children that your child is adopted?

That's completely up to you and your child, who may well tell their friends and teachers themselves.  It won't be an issue, but it's not always easy to know when and how to tell people. 

The subject may arise naturally as many mothers like to compare childbirth stories and other similar topics.  This is your chance to 'share' but only if you want to.  Most other parents respond with awe and will be dying to ask questions so be prepared.  They don't really know the difference between adoption and fostering and will think only of orphaned or abandoned babies.  And never feel obliged to give all the details, the whys and wherefores this is your business and your child's own history.

And then there are the comments or questions that may come back from the other children - especially when it comes to sex education (usually in year 1 or 2), when it becomes the issue of the day to know whose tummy you came out of.  Children are usually quite matter of fact and can deal with a straight answer which may or may not lead to a battery of other questions.  Maybe you could even use other school curriculum issues to naturally introduce adoption conversations with your child?

Your Experiences'

If you have any useful advice or a story to share, please email us at sue@pleasemiss.co.uk.