How to get what you want from your kids!

• Are your kids frequently doing the opposite of what you want them to do?
• Does it seem as if you are sometimes speaking a different language to them? 
• Why is this' 
• Do we (adults) develop a different language to children? 
• Are they simply being difficult?  
• What can you do to improve the response you get? 

1. Don't say 'don't?! 
2. Stay Calm  
3. Speak the same language!  

Don't say 'DON'T'!

The word 'don't? is regularly used and its meaning is clear.  However, when used as a command, such as 'don't touch that!?, which we often say to children, it frequently has the opposite effect from what is intended.   Why is this'

If someone said to you: 'don't think of a pink balloon?.  I bet that you would first have to think of a pink balloon before you could process the 'don't?, right?  The fact is that in order for you to make sense of the sentence, you first have to think of the very thing that you are instructed not to think about or do!  So, when you say to your children:  "Don't touch that...? they have to think about what you don't want them to do before they can process the word 'don't?.  You have (without realising it) actually directed their minds to think about touching it! 

For example, when they are fixated on playing with the TV remote control and are told 'don't?' their mind is kept focused on the TV' It is, therefore, no surprise that they continue to do the very thing that you told them not to do! 

So, how do you replace the command 'don't!? in your vocabulary and get children to focus their attention on what you want them to do rather than what you don't want them to do? 

Well, the 'distraction technique? is a powerful and positive way to break their train of thought and focus them on something else.  For example, instead of saying 'don't play with the television!? suggest they do something else, such as play a game, read a book, clean their room, help you with something? leave the words 'don't? and 'television? out completely, so that their focus and attention is directed elsewhere.   If they are crying about something and you really want them to stop, by saying 'stop crying!? or 'don't cry' keeps them focused on 'crying' ' you have not directed their minds to think of anything other than crying. 

However, if you distract them with something funny or talk to them about something completely different, they will have to think about what you are doing or saying to make sense of it and you can then lead them away from their original thoughts about crying.

Language can be a powerful means to get what you want and what you don't want? use it wisely!

Stay Calm
Staying calm can be one of the most difficult things to do in a busy household, when the kids are 'winding you up'!  However, if you can keep your cool, your children will respond in kind, as children are more aware and connected to the non-verbal elements of our communication and therefore, will pick up your energy and frustrations easier than an adult would. 

Research suggests that over 90% of communication is non-verbal; this will be even higher when young children are involved!  This means that the words you use play a less important role?

Imagine that you are telling your child to eat their dinner ' what tone of voice do you use'  What reaction are you getting?  Consider your non-verbal communication signals (e.g. your tone, pitch, volume; facial expression, posture, actions and behaviour), what message do you think is received?   By staying calm, using your voice and body language in a relaxed way, you will communicate with your children more easily.

Calming Exercises

This is always easier said than done, so, when you have a quiet moment to yourself, run through the following exercise undisturbed (it should only take about 15 minutes).  It will embed a relaxed, empowered feeling in you, which you can then call upon when you need it most?

1. Remember a time when you were feeling relaxed and comfortable in yourself and with the world around you.  Imagine being back there and feeling all the feelings that you had at the time, hearing the sounds that were around, seeing what was happening around you.  Step into that time and let your mind wander and your body relax.  Imagine it as if you were there now.
2. Magnify the calm relaxed feelings, sights and sounds inside of you to the point that you feel completely relaxed and content with yourself and your ability to deal with whatever comes your way.  
3. When your feelings are strong and you are really calm and relaxed, take a deep breath and cross your fingers tightly, then release them.
4. Count 1-10 backwards to break your thinking pattern
5. Repeat points 1-4 above three times in succession.  Each time you take yourself back to a relaxed and calm time, which you will remember in your body and your mind, you are building the association between your deep breath, tightly crossing your fingers and the strong, relaxed, calm feeling that you have.
6. After the third time, think about a stressful situation and then take a deep breath and cross your fingers in the same way as before? you will illicit the same sense of calmness that you had from your memorable time and you will be calmer and more relaxed.   If you do not feel this, repeat points 1-4 a further two times and then repeat this part of the exercise.
7. When you can call upon your sense of calmness by taking a deep breath and crossing your fingers, think about a situation that is likely to happen in the future when you will need this feeling and imagine it happening now.  When you are there, call upon your sense of calm by taking a deep breath and crossing your fingers in exactly the same way as you have earlier in the exercise. 

You now have a powerful way to trigger a sense of calm whenever you want it, by simply taking a deep breath and crossing your fingers in this same way!

Speak the same language!  
When we see, hear or feel something, we must make sense of it in our minds.   However, sometimes, it can seem that although we speak the same language, our message is not understood nor received in the way in was intended.   And guess what... you're right! 

We have different styles of thinking, seeing and making sense of the world.  When you are able to identify these and use them to get your message across, you will find it easier to make yourself understood and listened to. 

There are 3 principle ways we make sense of what's going on around us (i.e. thinking styles).  In childhood we develop a preferred style which stays with us and becomes particularly apparent when we are stressed in some way, although we develop a proficiency in all (to a greater or lesser degree).  Our children will usually exhibit a preference for one style, although they will become proficient in all of them by the age of 10 years.

I have outlined below a few key pointers for you to identify thinking styles.  Have fun with them and start to communicate in the 'language' of your children and you'll see, hear and feel the results!  The main thinking styles are:

• Visual thinkers tend to think in pictures and will tend to move their eyes upwards when they are thinking, as if they are looking at a picture on a screen.  What they see is very important to them.  They will tend to use words and phrases like 'I see', 'that's clearer?, 'look' more frequently
• Auditory thinkers tend to think in words and sounds language, tone of voice, volume, rhythm, are important to them and will tend to move their eyes to the side when they are thinking, as if they are listening to someone talking to them.  They will use phrases like 'I hear what you are saying', ?I like the sound of..?, 'listen' more frequently
• Kinaesthetic thinkers tend to represent their thoughts as feelings.  They will tend to move their eyes towards the ground when they are thinking, as they get in touch with their feelings.  They may be more physically active and enjoy sports, etc.  They are more in touch with their bodies physically and emotionally.  They will frequently use words like 'feel', 'touch?,  'comfortable', etc to express how they feel (i.e. think)

No thinking style is better than another, they are simply different.  We all develop the ability to use each of them; however, one will be subconsciously preferred.  By identifying the primary thinking style of your children, you can use the language that speaks directly to them to get your message across more easily. 

Examples:

'do you see what I mean??  connects more directly to a visual person
?Can you hear what I'm saying?? connects more with an auditory person
'How do you feel about'?? connects more with a kinaesthetic person

Children are developing their ability to communicate with the world and make sense of it, as we all did and continue to do.  They operate at a simple level that as adults, we often lose touch with.  If you follow the above suggestions and you meet your children in their world, you can get what you want from them more easily and learn more about yourself in the process'

?  Caron Chung  Tel. 020 8248 9370  e-mail: caron@caronchung.com